Sunday, July 7


Whenever I give something to a person I lose all mental attachment to that item. Before handing it to the person, in my heart, it is decided that the owner is no longer me. I honestly think that’s the best way to give carefree-ly because you don’t even remember to keep track of what u gave or to feel like you lost something etc.
Unfortunately, people around me don’t understand this concept. I am probably one amongst a few who embody such. Maybe it's just me but I just feel like when people constantly mention what they gave you and keep track of what they gave you, they never truly gave you such item from their heart,
because they never actually parted with it. The one who should keep track of the items is the grateful receiver….

For example, I had a friend whom I gave an item (media/electric item) honestly it was an item I really loved but barely used and this friend used it more so I gave. I had totally forgotten about this item until today. I just remembered as I was thinking… If I needed to use this item again I would not ask for it back. No matter what, I would much rather and even go out of my way to buy another one for myself because when I gave, even though it was a pass-on I gave for good. Why would I take it back after three years? It seems absurd more likely puny to even mention it.

But maybe that's my view and yes I do understand the difference between lending and giving. Another example is quite similar as the above when the same friend gave me an item in which the friend had a duplicate but one day the friend called the item as “mine” when referring to it and it felt like a knife through my chest. Maybe a little less than that but I guess in said friend’s heart it was never mine, to begin with… I might be the minority on such a view and it’s kinda hard to explain is that I am really struggling to organize my thoughts.

But I don’t think I ever want to be in the position in which I am at mercy needing something from someone I know ever again. A lot of people around me seem to think the opposite of my thoughts and tend to spout a little bit here and there without realizing it impacts. Some who don’t understand may call it pride but really it's just a situation of being bitten by so many snakes I am afraid to put my hand back in their dwelling cave again.

Maybe I am just weak at heart. But I promise you I am not reading into it too much. I would much rather be at the mercy of a complete stranger because guess what? He or she wouldn’t remember to subtly mention how he or she helped me…. I’m sick and tired of depending on humans because we like to feel big once in a while and it sickens me that we feel the need to spout it from our lips. 

I would much rather be struggling on my own than to depend on the help of anybody…especially if they didn’t truly want to give….Let me struggle with contentment than have to deal with the emotional burden of adhering to you because you helped me one time…

At least God wouldn’t do that to me.


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